Thursday, November 15, 2012

My Struggle: Anticipating Change

I struggle during periods of anticipated change.  I struggle so much.  It is a time of mourning the loss of the things that are known to in the present day while facing the reality of life change.

I hit that point in my pregnancy where Asher's upcoming arrival is REAL.  The house we are in the process of buying is REAL.  THIS.IS.REAL.  Walking through these anticipated changes with Shyla is challenging.  There are moments where I feel messy in my parenting skills.  It is funny to see a two year old feeling the same anxieties you are feeling about anticipated transition.  Every night for the last 2 nights, Shyla and I have said night time prayers.  We go through a list of every person in her life that loves her.  She has repeated this script every single night since we did it on Monday.  Today I feel like my two year old and I are on the same emotional level.  I wish she were old enough so we could talk about the changes that were happening over bubble tea and fish crackers.  I wish I could tell her that I have days where I doubt my own ability to teach her about how to life an authentic life.  But tonight I told her that I was scared about all the upcoming changes and that we can just love each other and know that its ok to say we're scared about the things we don't know.

I have been trying to practice seeing myself the way that God sees us as we go through things that are yes, in the grand scheme of life, good, but still hard.  I think when we face ourselves in the light, with our authentic hearts open, we see what God sees: Softened hearts that are molded to grow bigger in their capacity to love.

I have my husband, my beautiful and vulnerable daugher, my beautiful friends, my camera, my words, and my heart to be the lens and mirror to the core of my heart as we begin this journey of parentingX2...with a softened heart that is ready to be molded:

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