Friday, September 14, 2012

The Hard Days (with a little bright green flair on the side)

The Hard Days (with a little bright green flair on the side)

Yesterday was a hard day.  I did not sleep well because I had to wake up to work on another progress note and assessment from my class last week. While Wednesday was rich, meaningful and beautiful.  Thursday was just hard.  I had looked forward to spending time with one of my awesome and dear friends, Michelle and photographing for a bit, but instead found myself handling a work related issue that honestly, if I had given myself MORE time to ponder the question, I could have and SHOULD have said no to the person who asked for help.  Instead, I ended up having the Technology Specialists/Chronic Overcommitter's knee jerk reaction: "Yes, of course I can help( even if I don't have the slightest idea what the hell I am doing)." It was one of those response I wish I could go back and say NOOOOOOOOO in a very dramatic Hollywood Slo-Mo style.  So, I said yes and spent the next two hours trying to problem solve for something that I really was not responsible for (see previous posts about being so busy all you have is a migraine to show for it.  Yep, that was me yesterday.  I am a real blast to be around when I over commit almost always ends with me in tears wondering how this happened...just ask my husband.  He is bald now.)

Following THAT two hours, Luke and I took our daughter to our very nice/new/patient (thank God she was a patient) pediatrician with whom I do like.  Shyla was a MESS in the pediatrician's office....A MESS.  It was during her nap time.  She was tired and I was praying to get in and our without discussing her growth (I know wishful thinking, right) . Thank god Luke was there. Anyway  Shyla was mad someone had messed with her routine. So the doctor comes in and says Shyla is healthy... And then I get told that they are concerned about her weight (crap). So now we have to get MORE tests run on her b/c of her low weight gain. Yay...However, the doctor did say she is 95% certain Shlya is just genetically a petite little girl who has a growth chart all her own.  Luke says that's because his kids don't play by society's rules and that Shyla is just damning the man.  This is why I bring him to *all* doctor's appointments.

While I am grateful for a thorough pediatrician, I know internally my brain was. not. wired this week for the news that I get to take my daughter to get  more tests run on her little body (tests she has already had in the past). I  read this quote below from Brene's new book last night and I started balling like a baby in my room when I needed some serious space from my daughter who was screaming at the top of her lungs for the same reason that I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.....we were both overly tired and needed time to ourselves. We were quite the pair. So I took a time out in my room. I wasn't even meeting my own emotional needs at the time..let alone hers. I went into my room shut the door and sat in my closet (that place felt appropriate) to find my sanity and read this quote.   It is just what i needed to read at the time because it is the root of my entire existence and helped me find the ability to feel love for myself in that moment after weeks of feeling a scarcity I doing enough......for ____insert person in my life (Shyla, Luke, work, my friends, family...blah blah blah):

"Waking up everyday and loving someone (husband, friends, kids) who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in our lives or leave without a moment's notice, who may be loyal till the day they die or betray us tomorrow--that's vulnerability.  Loving people is uncertain.  It is risky. Loving deeply leaves us emotionally exposed.   Yes, its scary and we're open to being hurt but can you imagine a life without loving or being loved?"

I love my daughter so much.  I love that she and I can feel the same emotions and can sense that we each need our time away.  After the "Mommy Time Out" I put myself in, I was able to come out and color with her.

Today, has turned into a really beautiful day.  I am fairly certain it is because I had my green rain boots on.

I got my hair highlighted.  I get to pick Shyla up from daycare in a few minutes and get yummy food at the Cherokee Street farmer's Market and Trader Joe's with her.  Oh and I get some precious time to photograph before needing to prepare for some contract work I am doing in Hannibal, MO on Sunday.

Because I love her and I think we would be best friends... here is the video of the author stated above in an interview with Katie Couric. She is discussing her new book "Daring Greatly" (which I have mentioned several times in this post).  Clearly, I love her.  And when I love something, especially a book, music artist, fine art, photograph, I believe you are gifting the world by sharing it.  Isn't gifting art in all it's form the most awesome way to see another person's heart?  I love it.

Brene Brown on the Katie Couric Show

And here is a picture of a beautiful tree stump and all it's beautiful textures.  I love trees and their stumps.

Brene Brown on the Katie Show

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