Wednesday, September 19, 2012

"What is Your Belief, What is Your Doctrine?."

Parenthood Clip-Belief-"What is your belief, what is your doctrine?"

This is a scene from Parenthood.  I LOVE this show so much.  It is another show that more times than NOT leaves me in complete tears.  The vulnerability and writing in this show pinpoints every emotion you experience in the different stages of parenting children and nurturing your personal relationsihp.  This scene reminds me of conversations between Luke and I over the course of our relationship.  Then, after having Shyla and now pregnant with Asher, I have found myself trying to cultivate an answer for my kids when this moment approaches again. Except this time with Asher and Shyla being the questioners.

So last night, I had the beautiful opportunity to explore my answer a bit with Marissa. Because I believe pictures are a part of every good story.  Here is a photo of Marissa:

We both had been coming off a two week bender of "go, go go, go, work, work work, do, do, do do,...blah, blah, blah and needed time to connect a bit.  And yes, she was one of "those people that got a text me last weekend when I felt like my insides were caving in from being an "achieveAholic" the last two weeks.  We talked about books we had been reading and her trip back to KC for a wedding.  But then started to "dig deep" as I call it. She stated how when she had been in KC, she had felt a sense of freedom and creativity with the people that she was surrounded with there and what followed was a series of opportunities for her to photograph and connect with herself a bit.  We talked about how creativity and community needs to be a necessary part of our day to day routines otherwise we end up feeling exhausted.  And as Matt Miofsky, the lead pastor of the Gathering United Methodist Church ,asked everyone on Sunday "What race exactly are you trying to win?" Why do we feel so exhausted when we realize we are actually racing no one when we start to turn off our "creative button" and start to just achieve and accomplish with no regard for our relationships or experiences we have along the way.  It's a serious nightmare of a feeling and I fall into that trap over and over and over and over again. My mind says"I need to work another job so we can buy that house sooner (and have an aneurysm in the process)" or "Stay up later so you can feel like you got more accomplished on your to do list tomorrow (and have a migraine at 11:00 tomorrow for getting 3 hours of sleep).     And then when I am faced with situations where I have a migraine and am tired I come back to the same question I stated above, "What are my beliefs? and why do I constantly feel like I have to be on a hamster wheel to replicate my belief system to my daughter?  Do I even believe in this analogy of a hamster wheel that I am metaphorically on? Yes, I believe in it and hate myself when I fall into it..  In fact, I hate that stupid hamster wheel.  Hamsters are dumb animals anyway....clearly.  They get on a wheel that takes them no where (This kind of makes me rethink the idea of the treadmill...human hamster

I got off the hamster wheel during my lunchbreak at work.  I was able to take an hour or so and go walk around the Grove with oneof my favorite people Michelle ( and if you read previous posts about stating your needs to your friends...mission accomplished).  (photo-Michelle left).

Michelle and I got to brainstorm about some recent community art projects: one called Art D-Tour (more to come on that fun little venture) and some funky fun family photos she is going to take of Luke, Shyla, and in-utero baby Asher, and I.  I love when she gets creative.  It's like you can see her whole world light up when that lady begins to shoot and talk art and life.  About six months ago, Michelle and I took an awesome online photo class taught by Andrea Scher called Superhero Photo.  It was super fun and probably the reason I was able to reclaim my passion for photography into a more everyday gift or lens to view the things that I love instead of this crazy career that just left be broke and burned out.  I am glad Michelle and I had the opportunity to pause and just photograph the flair in the Grove because things at work took another spin in the Circle Game (the Joni Mitchell song this blog named after). I was going to need some oxygen to get through the rest of the day and probably 3 months ish..  Here is what the oxygen looks like to me in abstract photo form(photo):

There are days like yesterday and times at work, where you have to put on your oxygen mask and know that things are going to be ok ....eventually.  Especially as you ride the tide through massive systems changes and yes...more work responsibilitie at work.  But that oxygen mask has to stay on, the photographs have to keep being produced, inspiring books need to continue to be read,  best friends need to keep connecting, art needs to keep being created, and than I have noticed, with these things we are able to take the wheel when it seems like the ship is sinking.  I think thats what it means to believe.  My beliefs are completely tangible.  They are things we get when we "show up and let ourselves be seen" to the people that have earned the right to see your heart.

Here is what I do believe in (in photographs of course)::

 I believe in super nuturing and supportive friends that are family and family that are literally are both:

I believe in drinking out of huge coffee cups in cozy coffeeshops in solitude or in the company of friends that are family or family that are both.

I believe in photographing with an awesome friend on a beautiful autumn day in funky neighborhoods in St. Louis.

I believe in fun and flairalicious shoes.....I love rainboots.

I believe in her:

I believe in the imagination and passion of a fifth grader as she tells me what peace looks like and acts it out in her care for others:

I believe in photo collaborations with creative friends:

I believe all these things make heaven on earth tangible and real in a world that is hard and cruel when we are highly vulnerable people....ALL of us...whether we admit it or not.

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